I smile every time I hear the country song Beautiful Mess. The song has nothing to do with this post, but I still like the title. 🙂
I can’t quite describe to you how the last three days have been in my house.
I feel like I’ve arrived at the place in which my family has always meant to be. Mom and her boys, gathered around the table, hands folded, listening intently as Mom reads from an old King James Bible. Smiling as we take turns praying, knowing God hears each word. I’ve been praying and reading and praying and praying that God would help me to have a meek and quiet spirit. I want to speak life into each of my children as I spend time with each of them individually. I want them to ask me anything and know that they’ll get a wise and gentle answer.
I was on the phone earlier today with a new friend. Together, we’ve taken on some nursery coordinating responsibilities regarding our homeschool co-op and things are getting stressful as we try to comply with the hosting church’s rules as well as meet as many needs for our co-op families as possible. She was getting to her wit’s end when she suddenly stopped and said, “I love talking to you. You’re so calm and encouraging.” Tears filled my eyes as I realized God was using me to reassure her, even when I was feeling anything but calm and encouraging. My pastor said many times from the pulpit, “You can act your way into a feeling much easier than you can feel your way into an action.” Knowing God desires for me to be patient and calm and loving toward my children, I’ve been consciously using a calm and gentle tone in my voice, even when I’d rather yell. I’ve been extra encouraging with my middle child, who often needs the most love and affection. As a result, I’ve been so incredibly relaxed.
I leave our breakfast mess in the sink and on the counter each morning, knowing I’ll get to it within the next two hours.
I don’t fear our next foster placement, knowing God will fit them into our lives just as He has intended. We got a call about two more children today. After praying, calling my husband, and deciding to say ‘yes’, I called the agency back. Of course I immediately begin making plans and arrangements. I need to pick up the other mattress from the Bailey’s, set up the other twin bed, take down the crib, pick up enrollment forms from the elementary school, etc, etc. About 30 minutes later, the agency called back. Apparently DFCS couldn’t wait the 35 minutes it took us to make a decision about the children, so they placed them with another agency. Without getting flustered at all, I simply looked at the boys and said, “Sorry boys, God put them somewhere else. We’ll get another call soon.” That is the 4th call we’ve gotten in the last two weeks. Two fell through and we had to say ‘no’ to two because they were too far out of our age preference.
I’m overwhelmingly excited at the thought of taking a pregnancy test at the end of each month, not knowing what it will say. I haven’t seen two lines in almost four years. That’s hard to comprehend. I get a knot in my throat as I watch my boys (particularly Joshua) hold Ashley’s twins and oooh and aaahh over newborns at church.
All of those things have lead me to see my life as a big beautiful mess right now.
Through it all, I remind myself daily that God is not the author of confusion, nor does He give us a spirit of fear.
“The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” Exodus 14:14