I’ve just gotten to the place again recently where I’ve been making much better food choices, we got a Total Gym for Christmas, and we moved the treadmill inside as well so we can start working out more often. It is very much a mental battle for me. I love cooking and I enjoy food, I have used food as a “reward” for the last year or two, like when the kids are in bed and we’re winding down for the night Josh may go get us a snack of some sort.

It’s been a mental preparation for sure. So imagine how I felt when my mother suggested, over our Christmas weekend, that I ought to look into Lap Band surgery! Yes, I am overweight. No, I do not like it. Yes, I want to have more children and prefer that I not be this fat when I get pregnant again. But I do NOT qualify for Lap Band surgery. Then she texts me after we got back home and said that the FDA has approved the surgery for people with a BMI of 35 or more and insurance will cover it. The new, reduced weight will take affect in a few months. Regardless, I still don’t qualify. I am not that fat.

I know that my mother loves me and would love me no less if I remain at this weight forever. I know that her main concern truly is health issues particularly since she’s a nurse. But she’s been critical of my weight for almost five years now and enough is enough. You can’t shame someone into losing weight. If that were the case, most of America would no longer be obese.

I’ve always wondered why I tend to be so critical of my children, particularly my first born, but now I can see clearly where I get it from. I am the first born and my parents have always been hyper critical toward me. I guess I’ve always let it roll off my back for the most part.

We really do want to try to get pregnant in the spring and I certainly would love to be down 30 or 40 pounds by then. But if that doesn’t happen; if I don’t lose a single pound, I’m not going to let that determine whether or not I have more children. My life must go on.

I am still me under this extra ‘winter coat’, but when your own mother suggests bariatric surgery it certainly makes a girl feel like there’s a little more weight placed on outward appearance than one prefers to confess.

I’ve always dreamed of going a few months without seeing my mom, totally transforming my body, and then watching the look on her face when she opens the door to let me in.